Dear Marissa
by balooie
Summary: Takes place after season 3, and can really be anywhere between the season finale up to where they're at currently


Dear Marissa,

It feels like just yesterday that I was meeting you at the bottom of the driveway, when Sandy first took me in. I was possibly the biggest ass, trying to be all James Dean on you, but you gave me that smile and opened a door that would never be closed. If someone had told me that day that I would be with you someday I would of said Bullshit. But somehow fate dealt me a good hand.

It's not like we had an easy time though. You know what I mean… All the fights with Luke, the model home, Tijuana, and then even more fights with Luke. Who would of thought that we would someday be friends? I guess us being assigned to work on the Spanish Inquisition together wasn't such a bad thing. Then there was Oliver. Oliver was a BIG mistake, but we worked through it. After The whole Oliver thing I never thought we would be able to work it out, and especially with Teresa coming to town, and me leaving town with her, and eventually coming back. I remember the day I was set to leave. It was at your mom's wedding to Caleb. We were dancing and you told me you understood why I was leaving. It was the hardest thing in the world to walk away from you after that. I thought that me leaving would for sure tear us apart more than anything. But it didn't. You wouldn't give up on me. I was so stubborn, and so were you some times too, ha. And once you finished with your whole experimental phase, we stuck again.

But for some reason, hard times stuck to us, it was like we lived in a fucking soap opera- or as Seth might put it, a Telenovela I know that summer was a tough one. With Trey and all, but I think I loved you more then, than I had ever before. You were so strong, and you took all the abuse afterwards. I know it must have been hard to move to a completely different school, I know it was bad for me when I first came to Harbor, but you did it. And I was so proud. I was a little jealous that you were adjusting so well, and making all sorts of new friends. But nonetheless, so proud.

Then you met Johnny… and not going to lie… He reminded me of Oliver, not as bad, but he pissed me off. He was the wounded puppy boy that you HAD to save. But I guess I can't dislike that quality in you, since I was exactly the same. And at the time I'm sure it pissed Luke off. Ha. Yah. I'm sorry I ever broke up with you. It screwed it all up. If I had only… You have no idea how often I think that. If I'd only realized what I had before I…. Or if only I'd stuck by you through the whole Johnny mess, or if my stupid brother never came, you never would of met Johnny, or… Him. Or even better if I'd never left you for Teresa. Would it of turned out different? I like to think it would.

It was my entire fault. I could of saved you. But I didn't. I wish that we could of traded places. If only I could take your place. You had so much. So much to do still. You had a family that truly cared and loved you. I never thought I would ever say that about your mom, but it's true. She loves you so much. And your dad too. I know he screwed up so much, and it must have been so awful for you, but you were so strong. I loved that. I loved you.

Since the night when… I haven't been able to think about anything else. I held you in my arms like so many times before, but before I saved you. Why couldn't I save you? Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me here alone? I'm nothing without you! I hate you for doing this to me. I need you…

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry for letting you slip away. I'm sorry for not pulling over. I'm sorry I didn't talk you into staying. I'm just sorry.

But most of all I'm sorry I came into your life and fucked it up so much. If I'd never come… If I'd never fallen in love with you…

I don't know what else to say. I don't even know what I've written, I think I've rambled on for the past 15 minutes about how I'm a fuck up. But the one thing I wanted to say more than anything is I'm so sorry.

I love you, forever.

Ryan


End file.
